Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth.

if that’s even how you spell it

i want to share with you my greatest fear, next to failing and turning into the pillsbury doughboy (and falling up the stairs and cracking my head open); spelling a word wrong.

because i get these freakish flashbacks to all the spelling bees i’ve been in (like 2, but let’s just say “all”) and i think… do i know how to spell? would i be anywhere without this red squiggle under me, how much knowledge do we really have beyond the computer screen, beyond the comfortable applications that do our work for us, that arrange and display, resize, downsize, bright-eye, anti-red-eye trivialize what we are trying to do.

and maybe i’m just talking about photos because really

i am tired of looking for myself in pixels, wondering what i really look like, afraid to know but desperate to find out. it’s like we never really see ourselves in 360, unprepared, candid for once in our lives, guards down, unsmiling, just being there and being unafraid. not wanting to “untag” our existences, maybe i should stop talking in “we” but “we” is safer and larger and more general.

this is only a cure for insomnia, so don’t take it too seriously. the only thing i’m really worried about right now is turning out like fight club (just read it yesterday… two days ago since it’s 2:34 a.m.) and having an alter-ego take over in my sleep. but then, what’s the worst i could do? start a puppy-sitting club?

so here i am, doing what i do best. throwing words into nonsense order in a random document, on a random page. this is the scary thing about blogs, that everyone can see them. not that anyone will read this haha… too many tenses changed. changing. to change.

god, please help me sleep. we haven’t talked in a while, but i need to break out of this computer addiction that enables and cripples me simultaneously. i can’t sleep because my eyes are trapped, my fingers are stamping out their given words in the same way over and over and over and that doesn’t have the same rhythm as rhythm, back  to what i was saying about spelling things correctly, deep down i’m afraid of someone looking at a mistake and saying, straight up, “THAT’S DUMB.”

so there you are. other than vampires and dying a sudden and horribly mundane death on the stairs, i’m afriad that my words will make me look stupid.

night.